2014, in restrospective.

2014.

it was then when i let my insecurities sprouted and growing ever since. i remember putting myself on a ridiculous diet, sampai masuk hospital. once for appendix, once for hypoglycaemia. because once again, i believed that i’m not kurus enough. and for me at that time, skinny equates beautiful. apo la makan roti wholemeat dgn salad je hari-hari weh. no offense for those who practice that, much respect for you. but that was not working for me. and my lovely friends needed to hear all my complaints about my non-existent weight problem. and worse, i blabbered and i did not bother to know what their responses are, what do they really think of me. 

it was also during this time that i was entangled in a love problem. tried hard to impress the guy i thought i should devote my time for. i had a glimpse of how a long-distance relationship functions, and i don’t think i could be in one. i don’t have much problem communicating virtually, but i could not handle the waiting, the anxiety i had to face whenever the other person does not respond to my texts and calls. aku dah la kuat jeles, pastu orang kat sana tu pulak takde komitmen sangat. so thank you, next.

then i turned to entertainment. i fangirled hard. i sought for validation from people that barely know me and overlooked those who really care and appreciate me for who i am. indeed, their talents amazed many and inspired me especially to reach for my dreams. but i did not realize that while securing a chance to see yuna, lisa surihani, sharifah amani etc, i forgot about my friends for a while. one time, i was on twitter and found out that yuna was going to be at her store that afternoon. i cancelled my tarawih plan (it was ramadhan) with meny and spent hours waiting for yuna, just to spent 10 minutes with her. 10 freaking minutes! and i kinda forced qila to follow me. well, she was delighted to see yuna too, but it was scorching hot and we walked quite a distance while she was fasting (time of the month… iykwim). i did the same when i wanted to see takahara suiko, fazleena hishamuddin, wani ardy gosh i was (maybe still am) a horrible friend!

i must be extremely jubilated, no? finally meeting these people i worshipped, adored. but i was left empty, sans all the euphoria after the brief meetups with these idols. what did i actually get? accomplish? sekejap je rasa seronok pergi gig, tengok teater and bersungguh-sungguh tunggu artis jumpa peminat sekejap. of course, all these celebrities really appreciate their fans’ effort. but deep down, we all know this is all temporary.

“O my people, this worldly life is only [temporary] enjoyment, and indeed, the Hereafter - that is the home of [permanent] settlement.” // “Wahai kaumku! Sesungguhnya kehidupan dunia ini hanyalah kesenangan (untuk sementara waktu sahaja), dan sesungguhnya hari akhirat itulah sahaja negeri yang kekal.” (Surah Ghaafir 40:39)

for 2019, i vow to not let my worldly passions supersede my love for Allah, Rasulullah and the important persons in my life, who really matter, insya-Allah. please make du’a for me, my dearest neighbours in Jannah <3 p="">

also, to commemorate the 10th year of my blog’s existence, i’m going to start blogging more often this year. ha ni kena doa kuat sikit supaya istiqamah uhuk.

love,

izzati m.