I just can't.

I want to write how do I feel about my one and only Nyai's death. But I just can't. I just don't have the heart to do so. Masa kat Maktab, everyday I cried. I received the news after balik dari surau perform Subuh, hari Selasa. Sampai Jumaat lah menangis mcm apa.

Kay, tetibe ada mood nak cerita. The story goes like this...

Pagi Selasa tu, lepas balik dari Surau, I checked my phone. Ada 4/5 miscalls from House. I was like, pehal doe call pagi-pagi mcm ni. Then ada satu text message from my sister. Simple benau ha dia tulis; " Akak, angkat phone. Nyai dah takde. " Alright, I wanna cried.

Then she called. I picked up my phone and we just cried. For quite a moment and then I asked her to take me home. Masa Nyai sakit dah tak boleh bangun, masuk wad apa sume, bukan Nur Musfirah Izzati yg jaga Nyai. Padahal ni lah cucu yg Nyai selalu banggakan kat sedara, org kg sume. That's why I wanna see her for the last time. But my parents tanak amek. Diorg cakap tak sempat sebab nak kebumikan pagi tu. And I was like... Nyaiii!

So jenazah Nyai selamat dikebumikan around 10 am. And I wasn't there. Sekarang ni, whenever my family talk about Nyai, I'd try to change the topic or I just leave them. I just can't accept the fact she's not here anymore. I just can't accept the fact that... I'll never got the chance to talk to her, to cuddle her, to kiss her upon her cheeks, to listen to her babblings and mumblings, to make her smile by telling her I scored again in my exam, to answer all her silly questions, to do everything we did way back before I entered Maktab.

She stayed with my family since I was born. Mom had to work so Nyai was the one that raised me, I can say that. When I was small, I was like yg tak takut org. So every time Nyai balik kg, I'll follow her. My other siblings tak boleh berenggang dgn parents, so mmg I'll be with her wherever she goes. Sampaikan org dah tahu dah kalau Nyai nak dtg, mesti bawak this little granddaughter of her.

I can still remember the excitement I felt way back when she finished sewing dresses she made specially for me. Everyone would ask me, " Lawanya gaun. Beli kat mana? " And proudly I'd answer, " Nyai buat. " with a big grin. I felt so beautiful during those days. She's the ultimate reason why I'd never feel insecure.

And she's also the toughest, strongest woman I ever met. When I was 13, Nyai jatuh tangga kat rumah kg. Jatuh bergoleh dari anak tangga third last sampai ke bawah. Kepala terhantuk kat anak tangga last. Masa tu dia nak amek wudhu, nak solat Asar. She was alone sbb my aunt pergi berubat kat mana ntah. Despite the fact yg kepala dia dah berdarah apa sume, dia bangun dan straight g amek wudhu. Dia sempat solat Asar dan lepas tu keluar rumah pergi panggil jiran sebelah suruh call my aunt. Dia tekap luka dia sendiri though habis dah satu kain tu penuh darah. And she was 85 at that time.

And now you tell me how can I face this? I refused to go back to her house kat kg. Masa kat Maktab, I planned to finish my one-week holiday kat kg. Nak spend time jaga Nyai. Masa tu rindu sgt kat Nyai. Dan sekarang she's gone. And now I'm pretending she's at kg, balik sekejap tgk rumah mcm biasa. Like usually she did bila dia dah rasa boring kat rumah kitorg. So kalau I go to her house there and she's not there, what else I should tell my heart, to believe that she's still here?

Al-Fatihah to Nyai;
Yah bt Siraj.

p/s: I'm drowning with tears. I don't have the heart to re-read this post, so I'm sorry kalau ada typo kat mana-mana. And I'm sorry I write too long after a month of so-called hiatus.